Kim Jong-un, the Supreme leader of North Korea threatened the United States today with a preemptive Peanut Butter Missile strike, raising the level of rhetoric as the U.S. has begun deploying groups of B-1 heavy bombers to the Western Pacific region.
The announcement came in the early hours of this morning on North Korean Central News Agency (KCNA), after a joint meeting by the Supreme Leader with North Korean Scientists, Military experts and Peanut Butter makers.
“If US does not stop this mockery of war, the great nation of DPRK will not hesitate to launch a preemptive Peanut Butter Missile attack on their mainland,” Kim Jong-un announced.
According to Dr. Jong Chan, Scientist and senior Military analyst in Pyongyang, the newly uncovered biological warfare program is based on a decade long research by Korean Scientists and Statisticians that found a sizeable portion of the Americans are severely allergic to peanuts.
“Our scientists have estimated that, at the current rate of spread, by 2050 more than 80% of the Americans will find peanuts life-threatening,” says Dr. Jong Chan.
The new war program code-named Skippy-or-Jif is designed to use a variety of deadly weapons including peanuts, peanut butter and homemade PBJ sandwiches against average Americans.
“This time we are going to catch them with their pants down,” said Kim Jong-un, while munching an extra-crunchy peanut bar on the State TV.
Reports leaked from the North Korea’s top-secret ammo manufacturing facility in Pyongyang supports Kim Jong’s claim. “There is an entire section devoted to making Long-Range Peanut Butter Missiles (LR-PBM) capable of spitting peanut butter sauce to the target, once reached the US mainland,” says our anonymous contact at the facility.
LR-PBM Missiles could threaten millions of lives in the U.S.
“The army has re-trained men to use custom-made machine guns capable of firing roasted peanuts to the Americans. In addition, soldiers are trained to throw homemade PBJs in standing, kneeling and in under- or side-arm throws to the enemy.”
Hours after the statement, the U.N. Security Council voted unanimously to further expand its sanctions on North Korea. The new sanction, which completely blocks DPRK’s right to export pubic hair to the rest of the world, is expected to suffocate its only industry.